Givers & Takers: The Nature of Need

Need wears many faces.  It is usually, or many times does become, also a form of control.  One’s health is the primary need which binds and ties those around us in a daily dance of ‘helping’ ‘caregiving’ or assisting the needy one in doing what it is that they’ve chosen to do.

It seems that it’s just an accident – health has been damaged, there’s been an accident, someone has some type of deficiency physically or mentally.  Often enough it is the actions of the needy one which has brought on the condition; and it is ALWAYS the series of life choices, occasionally destiny, which has landed them where they are in a position which must be constantly supported by others.  Then those unfortunate enough to be around get locked in to some type of servitude, whether or not there’s been (or can be) any free choice in the matter.

An indentured servant.  Unpaid most of the time, unless there’s a power play about housing or support.  Interdependence often forms an inequity of roles . . . one or more doing most of the giving to the central figure in the scenario.  A feeling of usefulness may become frayed to the breaking point -- tattered and torn -- after many months/years of expectations and demands with time and life energy going only toward the taker's requirements.

This is a severe, widespread life condition and someone must lose the larger part of their life to the cause.  Clearly seeing this is not so easy at times, as it morphs into many different forms, especially if the ‘user’ is clever at setting the situation up and executing it well.

Being helpful is great.  Doing for others is divine.  Caregiving is so essential . . . even at best, this entire country at least has marginally efficient techniques/solutions for most of it.  What to do?

If you are the giver, do be aware that your role is that of servant.  Now, spiritual guides tell us that this is required of us, to be a fully good human being.  Are there limits?  Should there be guidelines which take into account the quality of life of the giver, as well as the taker?  Is the taker not only infirm and needy, but controlling?  How can this be determined and what questions do we ask to accomplish that?

It’s a life conundrum.  Whether you are the giver or the taker, continued happiness, safety, comfort and quality of life depends on understanding exactly the position currently occupied, and remaining clear about the well-being of all parties concerned.

What is Community?

Recently a woman who has been a part of a small Tennessee community for most of her life died. She was at various times during her life a daughter, a girl scout, a student, a beauty queen, a wife and mother.  She had many friends and acquaintances in that little town through those years.

In the last few months, one friend in particular was faithful to take her food and necessities.  Just before her death, the City's utility department disconnected utilities to her home.  Temperatures reached the low 100s during that time.  How, in a small town where everyone is connected to someone and there were many who knew of her weakened condition, did something like this occur?  With all the town’s churches within a stone’s throw of her location, full of faithful Christians, where was even one Good Samaritan who questioned doing this procedure, much less carrying it out with no attempt to contact someone who could verify that this woman was still capable of taking care of herself, or able to conduct business at all?

The Bible instructs us to take care of our own, to treat others with the same consideration we would ourselves want to receive.  This woman would not, at this point in her life, have been able to generate new industry in her town, nor would she have been able to grab a headline, or create good publicity or more income for the city.  Her life had become simple and reclusive, and according to several people with whom she personally communicated over the past few months, she was honestly confused as to how that happened.  In short, help was drastically needed for her.

As this particular small town readies to celebrate its 100 year anniversary, perhaps a thought or two might be in order as to what it truly means to be aware – of its citizens, its responsibilities, the full, basic reason any community continues to exist in the first place.  Procedural process is necessary within any infrastructure, it is understandable and essential.  Application of rule without consideration of a human aspect, a moral evaluation, becomes at best mindless and at worst predatory.

While those around her went home each day to a cool, comfortable haven, this forgotten citizen perished – in deadly heat, without water, ignored and brushed off by the community in which she had spent most of her life.  We are responsible for each other.  This death surely will touch the hearts and minds of those who truly understand what has just happened.  When officials of any entity remove themselves from remaining solidly in touch with those they are privileged to govern, disaster is imminent.   No amount of applied authority can, or ever will, eliminate moral duty.

The Lackey Syndrome

A life dynamic seemingly created to fulfill personally selfish agendas, the ‘lackey’ syndrome consists of constant requirements or demands made by one or more people on others, an endless list of expectations which will consume the time and energy of another person -- often presented as mutually beneficial action, or as duty or obligation.  These needs will come to be inexhaustible . . . the supporter/lackey is expected to drop everything and attend to the wishes or directives given to them.

Often, some people become little ‘dictators’ in the sense that they really come to believe that others are their property – it is their own personal responsibility to direct and order the lackey around . . . if they meet with opposition, they are completely surprised or display hurt feelings, even sometimes becoming belligerent. These‘controller’ types consider this their ‘due’ – that they are being unreasonable or out of line will not occur to them until their chosen lackey decides to refuse the requirements.

Where and how do those who do this  acquire this behavior? For starters, someone else has allowed them to assume this mantle of king/queenship. This condition of life takes two or more. In most families, there is at least one set of these types. The more the lackey scurries around trying to cover all the bases set up by the controller, the less time and energy there is for the poor lackey’s own life – and the self-appointed dictator sees or acknowledges this not at all. Absorbing the lackey’s entire life into the controller’s web of never-ending scenarios seems natural.

Sometimes these controllers will take their need to run everything around them to great lengths, even to illness, or some type of inability to function completely themselves. Then things get really deep . . . there is now a real disability – and the lackey is now required to dance to an even more rapid drumbeat of need. The controller will happily usurp every facet of the lackey’s life and consider it his/her right to do so.

It is actually a type of servitude . . . appearing to be help, caregiving, assisting, supplying others with life essentials.  To the extent that both people understand and accept this situation, it may work – if there is a clear understanding of the fact that the needy one AND the lackey have lives and the right to live them. However, resentment can creep in, for both parties. It really seems that some people simply do not have any intention of being independently capable and functional in their lives; they want and will have someone else around to do their bidding, to perform the role they expect that person to play. And they do gladly write the scripts – handing these to the lackey with precise instructions. Players may be husband and wife, parent/child, siblings, even friends or community members. Deviation from assigned lines will elicit from the self-appointed director any response necessary to put down the rebellion and get things back in line so that the production can go on as written. All these dynamics can happen at a very subtle level . . . appearances may be deceiving.

The intriguing part of this is that no one in the situation seems to clearly see what is going on . . . that is, it is a mindless, robot-like existence for the unfortunate lackey, and a tightly wound, desperately gripped position for the controller. It’s lifeblood, the essence of what is needed for life. Refusal from the lackey will usually result in hurt feelings, manipulations of all types, anger, and even spiteful action from the controller, who may become indignant and wounded, perceiving that the lackey has betrayed some perceived ‘trust’ or violated their personal safety or integrity.

For the good of each person’s own mental/physical health, it seems beneficial to learn to recognize this uneven exchange of life energy early on, the better to avoid entering a semi-life of misconstrued slavery.

Prevention

Removing and/or restricting access to weapons seems similar to taking an alcoholic's bottles of liquor away . . . such hyper-alert watchfulness results in temporary assurance, necessitates constant, tedious monitoring, and is not at all likely to end any aberrant practice or end future self-destructive action by anyone bent on inflicting pain on others. Those who routinely imperil/destroy health, relationships, credibility or safety must become visible to society . . . before acting out in a deadly drama orchestrated within a disconnected mind. Thus, any user/perpetrator would appear to be a more reasonable object of focus when attempting to end violent attacks or binges than any weapon of choice.

Rather than obsessing about how to pass endlessly pedantic, unconstitutional legislation, then funding predatory, expensive efforts to enforce these, identify hate/fear stressors within society and address these . . . early on in childhood. Isolated, miserably misguided people are all around us; surely heightened awareness and compassion seem in order. Begin in primary schools . . . teach ethics, outline origins of prejudice, impart a sense of connection using formal educational programs.

Study and research behavior -- control of human action is impossible otherwise.

Virtual Horror

A feeling of horror, of injustice -- elicits shock.  Any sense of rightness, safety, or wellbeing is shaken when there is senseless killing, violent attack, or disruption of ours or others' lives.

Thoughtful observance brings even more deeply chilling information to mind . . . that is, the latest seemingly random act of brutality could have origins which may be connected to all of us.  To eager, absent-minded, even mild acceptance of virtual depictions of gruesome, angry behavior -- as entertainment.   What in actuality entertains the mind when viewing bloody destruction of other people, animals, or property . . . and how does this qualify as worthwhile use of anyone's time?

If intelligent, thinking people occupy their time and minds with increasingly brutal, shocking representations -- high resolution, full screen, deadly fantasies -- why then be surprised when these impact our own lives in living color?

Looking the Other Way

Observation of violence or abuse perpetrated on another person or living creature is strangely layered . . . we seem to be able to detach if brutal acts are inflicted on those in another country, during a war, or a riot, even a demonstration.  It is simple to believe that we are far removed from the action taking place, that it is not our business, that we could do nothing to help anyway.

Few of us have actually been present while a person was beaten, molested or robbed, or killed.  It would be a terrifying experience, but most would do everything to try to help or find assistance.  It is beyond understanding, therefore, when a parent or a priest, a teacher or coach is allowed to prey on those who are vulnerable and unable to defend themselves while people who are near, many who are aware of the acts of violence, remain silent and do nothing to protect the victims.

So . . . is this evil which is being inflicted a crime of one person only or are the people who are aware of what is taking place, who could help prevent the damage by speaking up and reporting it, also guilty?   Looking the other way, pretending that it isn't the moral responsibility of every person who has knowledge of a crime to take action to stop it, is reprehensible.  Justice must include holding those who commit crimes, along with those who by cowardly inaction allow and encourage them, liable.

Simple nurture

Sit today and make a short list - of some actions which bring you satisfaction or joy.  Dancing, singing, listening to music, walking on a nature trail; biking, team sports, personal pampering, the ocean, close proximity to water.

Just two or three notations, written so they may be read each day, will bring happy thoughts.  Knowledge of what drives you, anticipation, that feeling of excitement which arises from looking forward to something.  Remain aware of thoughts which divert you from pleasant ideas, reject them immediately.

Framing the mind's wanderings with positive, uplifting support is the first step toward lucidity, that 'wisdom which passes all understanding' -- and will provide peace and serenity, along with contented acceptance.  All is as it seems . . . this happens solely in one's own domain.